Saturday, February 20, 2010

I have seen the light! [Satire]

My new idol, James Randi!
Friends, I have an announcement to make. This will be my last post on this blog. For I have seen the light. After a series of debates with my friends on Facebook, I have now realised how foolish I've been all this time, and I have now been set straight. That's right, I have now converted to skepticism. All this time I have just been suffering from denialism. My world view has been distorted. My mind has been closed. But thanks to my friends, the blinders have been taken off, and I have now come to terms with the following eight truths:

1) All conspiracy theories are BS. Rich and powerful people do not conspire to further their own selfish agenda. Most historical events defy enormous improbabilities and always seem to benefit the rich. But that is just a coincidence.

2) The world is warming and 0.04% of the atmosphere is the primary cause. Never mind the giant nuclear furnace in the center of our solar system. Never mind cosmic radiation from nearby exploding stars. A life giving gas which plants breathe and animals have been exhaling for hundreds of millions of years is the greatest threat to our planet. Anyone who says otherwise is with the oil companies that are making money off of man-made global warming. [/Baseless conspiracy theory]. We have peer-reviewed studies, the science is settled!

3) Sodium fluoride in tap water is good for you! The fact that it was used by the Nazis in the concentration camps to sterilize inmates and keep them in a docile and apathetic state is not suspicious at all. Neither is the fact that Obama's science czar, John P. Holdren, wrote a book in the 70s advocating putting chemicals in the water to reduce population. We have peer-reviewed studies, the science is settled!

4) Anything natural is bad. The greatest way to prevent against a disease is not to simply load your body up with healthy vitamins, but to have mercury, heavy metals, live viruses and other crap injected in your body more than 25 times before the age of two. There are no natural cancer treatments. The best way to fight a disease that's primarily caused by tissue damage is with tissue destroying radiation. Anyone who freely recommends you eat the seeds of apricots, which can be bought at your local supermarket for virtually nothing at all, to prevent cancer, is trying to con you out of all of your money. [/Baseless conspiracy theory]. We have peer-reviewed studies, the science is settled!

"First there were plants ... and then a miracle occured ... and then there were plants with this complex reproductive system we call a flower ... Makes perfect sense! ... What? ... You want me to be more specific? ... A step by step transition? ... Errrm ... Shut up creationist!!!"

5) Despite the fact that even the simplest theoretically conceivable single-celled life form is more complex than a computer circuit board, early life arose from nothing just by chance, in an atmosphere with no ozone layer. And even though there are numerous things in nature which are simply too strange or complex to have evolved gradually; such as the long, sticky, barbed tongue of the woodpecker, or the engineering skill of the beaver, or the feeding mechanism of carnivorous plants like the venus flytrap, or the fact that in seahorses it's the male that gets pregnant, evolution is 100% scientifically proven fact! And even though our current leading theory for the formation of the solar system violates the law of conservation of angular momentum, that's how it happened. There was no creator/designer. Anyone who disagrees is a religious nut who is committing blasphemy against the prophet Darwin and Pope Dawkins. We have peer-reviewed studies, the science is settled!

6) The collapse of WTC7 can be explained thanks to a recently discovered physical property of the universe that causes fire to intelligently seek out and destroy the one vital column that stops a building from imploding in on itself at the rate of gravity. This discovery of intelligent malevolent fire will change the demolition industry forever! We DON'T have peer-reviewed studies, but the science is still settled!

7) Despite the fact that elitists like David Rockefeller brag in their own books about their desire to destroy the sovereignty of nations and create a world government, and despite the fact that leaked Bilderberg documents from the 50s discuss "European Unity" and "a common currency", and even Bilderbeg chairmen have admitted that they helped set up the European Union, there is no globalist "new world order" conspiracy.

8) The five sense world is all there is. All paranormal phenomena have a perfectly rational explanation. Crop circles are not made by an extraterrestrial / interdimensional force or by advanced government technology, instead there is a perfectly simple explanation. Even though you couldn't draw most of these things out on a piece of paper free hand, never mind a thousand foot wide in a field, they are made by a group of highly artistic pranksters with planks of wood, creeping around at night. They could probably use their incredible artistic talent to make a lot of money, but instead they just like screwing with people. [/Baseless conspiracy theory].

So there you have it folks, reality! No longer will I blindly put my faith in independent scientists like Steven Jones. Instead I will blindly put my faith in credible scientific bodies, such as NIST or the East Anglia CRU. After all, which group is less likely to be politically motivated?!


I have learned to accept that whenever a major event fits a certain MO that's occurred time and time again before - simultaneous drills (9/11, 7/7, Haiti), intelligence assets (Oswald, McVeigh, Henri Paul, Osama Bin Laden, Mohamed Atta, Haroon Rashid Aswat, Abdul Mutallab's accomplice), indestructible ID (9/11, 7/7) and conveniently switched-off cameras (The Pentagon, Tavistock Square, the Pont de l'Alma tunnel) - that it must be just a coincidence. It's the only logical conclusion!

So see you around twoofers! I hope one day you will come to your senses too!

Signed, Scootle the Anti-Skeptic.

Related Info:

Debunking PseudoSkeptics - CSICOP, James Randi, Michael Shermer, etc

Why James Randi, Michael Shermer and other Pseudoskeptics are NOT real skeptics!

How Pseudoskeptics hijack "Skepticism" to mean its opposite: Disinformation, Mind Control and Suppression

They Are the Ones Who Are Not Skeptics

I have seen the light! [Satire]

JREF Forum posts: "Comprehensive characteristics of the pseudoskeptic"

911 Truth: Michael Shermer's Amateur Disinformation Attempt Fails (again!)

Debunking Myths on Conspiracy Theories